The Big Real Iron Survivor Show
by Thing ONe And Thing TWo
Summary: The Powers that Be aren't happy about how Angel and Team are acting during season 4. The producers of a magical reality show are looking for their next contestants. Any questions?
1. Default Chapter

_The Real Big Iron Survivor Show_

_From the Brains of_

_Thing ONe and Thing TWo_

**A.N: This story takes place during season four of _Angel_ when everyone was the most pissed-off at each other. All events up to and including most of _Habeas Corpses_ have taken place. **

**Disclaimer: All belongs to Joss, he of the big, wicked brain. _The Real World, Big Brother, Iron Chef, Survivor_, and _The Truman Show_ all belong to their respective creators.**

* * *

Angel and Connor were yelling at each other about what a bad father Angel was and how uncontrollable Connor could be.

Fred and Gunn were yelling at each other about how Fred didn't love him anymore and how over-reactive Gunn was.

Cordelia and Wesley were yelling at each other for no real reason. It's just that everyone else was arguing, and they felt left out.

Another normal day at the Hyperion.

Even the fact that they were being pulled through a huge portal that had opened in the middle of the room didn't faze them in the slightest.

"You're such a hypocrite! Always telling me to be the good one despite the fact you killed people for hundreds of years!"

"It's not a crime for me to talk to Wes, you know! I don't think he's gonna kidnap me if I just say 'hi'!"

"And furthermore, why did you kidnap Connor in the first place?!"

They probably would've gone on like this for years if it weren't for the fact that the place they'd been transported to was pitch black dark.

"What's going on?"

"Well, we seem to be in the dark."

"I figured that out. Let me see if I can find a light."

"Ow! Wes, that was my foot."

"Sorry Fred."

A new voice joined the crowd. "What our six competitors don't know is that they've all been transferred from human Los Angeles to here, Arash Ma'har."

Wesley, Fred, and Connor all immediately said "The demon dimension?" though they were drowned out by Angel, Cordelia, and Gunn yelling "What the hell is going on?"

"Damn it, I thought we rendered them immobile." The voice said. "Cut!"

Suddenly, all the lights came on in the room. Where the lights were coming from, exactly, was hard to say, as the room was entirely black with no visible fixtures. Floating three feet in the air above them was a young woman with curly brown hair and a mean expression.

"You're messing up everything!" She hissed. "This is a live feed too! Now don't say anything until I give you the cue." She looked to the back of the room where someone said. "We'll have to start from the beginning. We're live in three, two"

"What's the cue?" Fred asked.

"When I stop talking! Now shut up!" The woman growled. Fred shrunk back.

"One, and go!" The lights went dark again, save for the one on the woman.

"Welcome, to the Big Real Iron Survivor Show. I'm your host Glenda Giannetti. Just moments ago we summoned these three humans, one higher being, one vampire, and a," she glanced at Connor, "Well, we're still not sure what he is.

"What our six players don't know is why they're here. And, what a coincidence, neither do you, the viewer. So let me explain the rules of the game. We're putting these six into one house to live for the next four months. There was already resentment brewing amongst the ranks, and living in these closely confined quarters may bring them together, or tear them even farther apart."

"Well," Cordelia said, waiting for Glenda to jump her. When she didn't, Cordy continued, "We all spend so much time together in the hotel anyway. I don't think that this will be much of a change."

Glenda smiled. "Good point, Miss. Chase. That's why we've come up with these sleeping arrangements." Everyone groaned. "In room number 1, we have Angel, Cordelia, and Connor." All three looked murderous. "And in room number 2, it's Gunn, Fred, and Wesley." Wesley and Gunn glared at each other, while Fred wore an expression of deep worry.

"Now, the bedrooms aren't what make up the entirety of this house (though the producers wish they did). It also comes with a fully equipped training room," Everyone cheered up at that, "A full library, though all the books on how to get out of a reality show have been destroyed. Except for that, you can find every book in the world there."

At the same time, Fred and Wesley both asked, "Can we just sleep in the library?" Gunn glared.

"Ooh, people are getting angry already. Great start!" Glenda giggled. "And also, there is a huge kitchen, filled with everything you need to make a nine course meal."

Everyone looked at each other. "Does anyone know how to make a one course meal?" Connor asked.

Glenda's smile grew even wider. After letting off an evil giggle, she continued. "There will be challenges, of course. Physical and mental. Old friends will show up, and you'll be forced to bond with your greatest enemy."

She turned back towards what they guessed were the cameras. "Be sure to stay on this channel to see the history of these roommates, and then thirty minutes from now, the official start of the Big Real Iron Survivor Show. We'll see you then." She held the smile for a minute, until someone yelled "Cut!"

Glenda turned to look at them. "Wipe that 'deer in the headlights' look off your faces. You'll live." Her voice didn't sound as polished now, and had a definite cockney edge to it.

"Hey," asked Connor, "You said we were in Arash Ma'har." Glenda nodded, taking a pause to light a cigarette. "Isn't that the dimension where demons are created?"

"Yeah, but no worries. All of you are still in the same screwed-up states you were when you got here." Glenda assured them, "We chose to bring you here because it's a central location, and it was the easiest portal opening."

"Well, not really." Wesley started to explain, "There are many other dimensions that are easier to get into. For Blest all you have to do is go into a trance, and for Thule-"

"Let me explain myself," Glenda interrupted. "It was the easiest, cheapest way to bring you here that would provide the best effects. Now, for truly easy transportation, let me take you to your house."

As she said this, Glenda snapped her fingers and the black melted away into a brightly decorated living room.

"Lemme show you around." She said. "This is the living room. There's a television, but you can only play movies on it. But just in case Miss. Brainiac over here," she stares pointedly at Fred, "wants to try re-wiring it, we've put magical controls on it to keep it from showing any programs from your world."

It was a nice enough set up. A few couches and chairs strewn about, all upholstered in hideously bright colors. In fact, it seemed like everything in the house was garishly intense. From the chairs in the dining room ("See, the bright green sets off the loud tones of the pink"), to the 'make-your-eyes-bleed' carpeting in the halls, everything was too colorful. After a brief tour of the kitchen, where they were introduced to the ghost who haunted the pantry, Glenda looked at them with a smile.

"So, now we're on to the bedrooms!" Everyone groaned. Glenda continued to talk over them, "Now, all of your clothes have been sent over, along with any other personal items. They were organized by that good friend of yours, Krevlornswath, and he-"

"Lorne!" Angel yelled. "I knew he would have something to do with this."

"Simmer down, Gloomy Avenger," Glenda sighed. "He didn't orchestrate this. The producers and I spent a long time looking for the perfect people for this show. You were suggested to us by the Powers That Be." She paused while everyone did a double take. "Unfortunately, they don't want to see you all self-destruct. They were hoping that this would bring you together. For the record, that doesn't up the ratings, so feel free to be as bitchy as you want." She gave them all another glowing smile. "Now, onto these bedrooms."

They went through the door on the left. "Fred, Gunn, and Wes will be sleeping in here." She said. All three avoided each other's eyes. There were three large beds. One with hot pink sheets, one with Tiffany's blue, and one with leprechaun green. "Why don't you go ahead and stake out your claim."

At the same time, Wesley and Gunn yelled, "Fred gets the pink one!"

Fred groaned. "Fine. Anything to keep the fighting down."

Gunn immediately ran over to the Slightly More Manly green bed. Wesley just rolled his eyes and said, "I guess I'll be sleeping in the blue one."

Glenda said, "Well, you can stay here and get acquainted with the room, while I take the others-"

"We're coming with you!" Gunn, Wesley, and Fred said at the same time. None of them were anxious to be in the room alone together.

The other room was much the same, but with different colored beds. Cordelia opened the closet. "Well," she said, "At least Lorne sent all of my favorite clothes."

They tramped back out to the living room again. "Well, you'll be going on air in about" Glenda checked her watch, "Ten minutes. For the past twenty minutes, they've been showing the _E! True Hollywood Story_ profiles of all of you. And then, welcome to your life on film for the next four months. Any questions?"

"Yeah," Cordelia asked. "This may be because I'm preg- I mean, pretty upset about this, but does it seem hot to you in here, or is it just me?"

"It is uncomfortably warm." Wesley stated.

"Maybe we should open a window?" Connor asked, looking around.

"Guys?" Fred said. "There are no windows."

They all turned to look at Glenda. "That's right. No windows. No outside doors. Limited air conditioning."

"We're already in hell, why add to it?" Angel asked menacingly.

"The hotter it is, the larger chances there'll be for nudity." Said Glenda simply. "Is that it for questions?" Everybody nodded. They seemed to be in shock. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow." Then she disappeared in a puff of scented blue smoke.

Nobody said anything for a minute. Finally, Angel said, "I think the first thing we need to do is find a way out of this."

"I'll go through the books to see if anything was missed." Wesley added.

"Good, and then we can get back to L.A. and-"

"Kill Lorne for helping with this?" Cordelia asked.

"Great idea, and then we-"

"Stop working for the Powers that Be and give into the Dark Side?" Gunn said.

"I'm liking that plan."

From above, they heard a voice. "Nice try." It was Glenda. "You're just going to have to grin and bear it. You're on in five, four, three, two, one."

"Showtime."


	2. Chapter 2

"So…" Angel said.

"Yeah." Cordelia looked around.

"I'm gonna go check out the training room." Gunn stated, and walked out of the living room.

"I'll go with him." Said Connor, who left before Angel could say anything.

"I guess I'll see the library." Wesley said.

"I'll come too." Fred followed. "I've been itching to reread 'What Do You Care What Other People Think'"

"Feynman?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"I started reading 'Character of Physical Law'. It wasn't easy."

Fred laughed "I'm not surprised. It's all about physics. You should try his memoirs, they're really great."

Cordelia and Angel watched them leave. "Well, those two got sucked into the evil game show sooner than we thought."

"They knew how to woo them." Angel said. "You know, this room thing, if it's really awkward, I can just take the couch, or Connor can."

"I'm sure it'll be fine." Cordelia smiled. She was lying, of course. "I'm gonna go look for some food." With that, she started to run for the kitchen.

This left Angel, all alone.

* * *

Up at the Evil Production Office in the Clouds, Glenda shook her head. "Why aren't they doing anything?" 

Jonathan Pierce, the head Producer, shook his head. "I dunno. I think they're still polarized by the situation."

"Well that sucks." Glenda said, lightning another cigarette. "Should we send in another demon?"

"We don't have one scheduled for today. We could move back the one for Week Three though."

Glenda turned to the person on the left. "What do you think?"

Irina Fair, Conduit to the Powers That Be, smiled beatifically. "We think you should move it up. The Ministers of Grace are much more in their natural state when they are fighting. A demon might help them get back to where they were before they came here. They will begin fighting again, of course, but then the healing will begin."

Glenda and Jonathan rolled their eyes. "Riiiight." Jonathan drawled. He pulled out his cell phone. "Mary? This is J.P. Call up the animal wranglers. We need something dangerous put into the house. Air it on all the video screens, so they can see it. Great." He turned back to Glenda. "Now, things will get interesting."

* * *

Angel was just thinking about going through the DVD collection, when he heard a roar. He looked up. Standing in front of him was a large, green demon with fangs the size of the couch. 

"Great." He mumbled. "So this is what she meant by challenges." Angel looked around; there was nothing relatively sharp within sight.

"Guys!" Angel yelled. As if on cue, Gunn and Connor ran in.

"They played this on some video screens." Gunn threw an axe for Angel to catch. "Thought you might need some weapons."

Angel caught the axe in one hand. "Wes! Cordy! Fred!" He bellowed. The demon took a quick swipe at him. "I need some help!"

"We know." Wesley said. He and Fred had run in during the confusion. They were each carrying swords.

Noticing Connor's odd glance at them, Fred rolled her eyes. "These were in the library; the house is full of weapons."

Angel swung his axe at the demon, but it missed. "Cordelia!" He roared. "Get in here!"

"Sheesh, what's going on?" Cordelia had come waltzing in carrying a tub of Ben and Jerry's Carmel Sutra. "The kitchen is just full of ice cream, it's amazing- Oh."

The demon let out an all-mighty roar. Everyone in the room covered the ears. It was almost like the sound hurt. But once it quieted, they got back in the game.

Every fight they'd been in was different. You always had to get used to the landscape of where you were fighting. After three minutes against the demon, Angel knew that the house had been rigged to make it harder to fight; there were too many chairs and close walls to maneuver around. Connor managed to get in a few good hits, and Angle couldn't help but marvel once again at how fast his son was.

"Hey!" Gunn yelled, directing the demon's attention towards him. "Why don't you come mess with me for a bit?"

The demon started for him. Gunn signaled to Wesley, who stabbed the demon in the back with his sword. While the demon was temporarily paralyzed, Angel delivered the killing blow.

They all stared at the dead demon on the floor. "Cordy," Angel said, "I believe you mentioned something about ice cream?"

"That sounds good." Fred smiled. "I am _so_ hungry!"

"I wouldn't mind having some food," answered Gunn.

They all tramped into the kitchen, talking civilly for the first time in months.

Back in the Evil Production Office in the Clouds, Jonathan and Glenda smiled. "Damn, all it took was a demon and ice cream. Make a note of that."

* * *

In a demon bar, five vampires were staring at the T.V. 

"Dude, this is so boring."

"Yeah, all they've done is fight and eat. What's the fun in that?"

"This show sucks."

"I tell you, man, the 'reality' genre is killing television."

"You said it, bro."

……

"Wanna keep watching?"

"All right."

* * *

They were all sitting in the kitchen, enjoying their ice cream, when Glenda's magically disembodied voice came from the ceiling. "Angel, we would like to see you in confessional now." 

Angel got up and looked around. "Where's that?"

"Pantry."

"Oh."

Angel opened the door to the pantry. Instead of being stocked with soup and chips, it was a completely black room. Angel sighed happily when he saw the muted color.

"Damn it," Glenda said from above. "You're going to have to wear a different color next time. All that black you wear; your head's just floating in midair." Her tone changed to a more official one. "So Angel, what do you think about this situation?"

"Well, I still think that it's crap, but I'm adjusting."

"Why's that?"

"Because until we find a way out, I'm stuck here."

"Hm. What do you think about Gunn?" she asked suddenly.

"Uh, I like him. As a friend! I don't what his problem with Wes is though. God, I hope they deal with that soon."

"You don't know why Gunn and Wes are angry with each other?"

"Should I?"

Glenda heaved the loudest sigh of all time. "They're both in love with Fred, and Gunn is insecure about their relationship, and is scared that Wesley will sweep Fred off her feet what with all his British charm and book smarts."

"How'd you find that out? Did you do psych profiles?"

"No, I read their diaries, of course we did psych profiles!" she snapped. "God, it didn't say in yours that you were so inept at reading emotions!"

"Yeah, well, that's not in my job description!" Angel yelled back. "Is this over?"

"Yes, but we'll talk to you again later. Tell Cordelia to come in here once you're out."

* * *

Angel stormed out of the pantry. The others all thought to themselves how stupid it looked to storm out of a pantry. "Cordy, they want you in there." 

Cordelia stood up with a heavy sigh, one hand surreptitiously on her stomach. She wandered into the pantry and sat in the chair.

"Hello Cordelia." Glenda said ominously.

"Hi," Cordelia said suspiciously.

"Cordy I'm going to get right to the point," Glenda said, "we all know your little secret."

"That I like to watch _Baywatch_ reruns?"

"No, the other secret. Kinda big one!"

"Oh!" Cordelia said. She leaned forward and whispered, "The evil one?"

"Yeah."

"You won't tell, will you?" She looked genuinely panicked.

Glenda laughed! "Of course not! This conversation won't even air until the season finale. Your secret is safe with me." Glenda paused for a moment, "And the producers. And the directors. And the cameramen. And the Powers That Be. Oh, and my cousin from Memphis; she was visiting the set today."

"Oh good," Cordelia said sarcastically. "I'm glad to hear that so few people know."

"Hey! We have a really tight spoiler policy." Glenda shot back. "If someone spills a plot point, we spill their guts. It's very effective."

Cordelia thought for a moment. "Do you think that's the same policy _24_ has?"

Glenda nodded. "Possibly. Well, that's all for today. We'll talk to you later. Send in one of the others."

After Cordelia came backin, she sentGunn, then Connor, Fred, and finally Wesley. Glenda held them captive for about five minutes each trying to find the perfect sound bite. She then sent off the footage and her notes to the Evil Production Office in the Clouds. The editors edited the tapes and put them on the air, much to the delight of demons everywhere.

Within hours of the second episode, fan sites started to pop up. Angel was the most popular one, followed by Wes. Sites devoted the two love triangles were everywhere, with an equal amount for each side ("Cordy+Angel 4eva!" "Cordelia and Connor Star Crossed Lovers!" "Blue Moons, a Fred/Wes site" "He Got There First: Support Gunn!"). There was a vocal group of teens talking about what a realistic character Connor was. Wolfram and Hart tried to see if there was any way they could get money from this seeing as they did "cause about 25 of the strife among the group".

Not that the Fang Gang were aware of this. They were still without a television or a computer. But soon, they did begin to settle into the life they were being forced to lead.

Tune in next episode….

* * *

**A.N. 'Ministers of Grace' was the name thought up by Strega for Angel's group, after she got tired of typing out "Angel, Cordelia, Gunn, Wes, Connor, Fred, and Lorne…" It's from Hamlet. If you don't know who Strega is, get yourself over to TelevisionWithoutPity . com fast, and go to the "Shows" page to find _Angel_.**

**Now that you've read, you really should review, and you'll get another chapter by Thing ONe and Thing TWo.**


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